Barbara Feil's Blog

God of "My" Yesterday...and my tomorrow

I had a very strange experience today.  Granted, it was the last full day of class in this Residency and we are all tired, brains full and overwhelmed and want to head home.  But what I experienced today was more than that...it was a "yesterday" moment. 

We were talking in depth about our Thesis/Projects - and I mean in-depth - grammar, punctuation, format etc., as well as the content of each chapter and appendices.  It becomes a little much...  I am not a detail person.  I am not "my mother's daughter" when it comes to grammar (my mom always corrected our English).  I have spent 15 years learning to write like I talk...conversational.  What the (insert your word here) am I doing trying to write an ACADEMIC Thesis and design a research project? 

Suddenly I was in third grade and Mrs. Klein was walking over to my desk and opening it to try to find the paper that was due and seeing the disorganization she was dumping all of it - paper, books, pencils, ruler, my lunch - on the floor and telling me to stay in at lunch and recess - STAY IN HERE TILL YOU CLEAN THIS MESS UP!! 

I didn't realize it at first but after a sideline conversation about my wondering if I had picked the right topic, was on the best time-line, could really do this, with my professor (who was kind and encouraging far beyond the project) I returned to my chair and wanted to cry...cry like I might have during that lunch and recess when I cleaned up my desk in the third grade.  Why?  I'm not in third grade, I'm in the third year of a Doctor in Ministry program?  So where did all that come from? 

It left me quiet and pensive.  I do feel overwhelmed and inadequate.  Do I fear someone will find out that my desk is really messy?  Do I fear I will be called out, singled out and shamed?  (Funny, as an adult I look back and wonder how a teacher could display so much anger over something as innocuous as the messy inside of a child's desk...would a teacher get away with that today?  Was she having problems at home?  A bad day?)

I got out my IPOD a few minutes ago and just played what came up - Matt Redman - "God of Our Yesterday" -

We will fix our eyes on you and know there is enough grace - to see us through...The God who is here today - as tomorrow comes...We (I) will trust in you God...Closer than we know, more involved and in control...

I will go to bed, my last night in Boston, still with questions but with  these words as my prayer...

Various thoughts...on leadership and my life goals...

Today in class we talked deeply about leadership in the church and leadership as women in the church.  Dr. Alice Matthews quoted Max DePree,

The First task of a Leader is to define reality.  The last task is to say "Thank You" and in-between he/she is a servant.   From "Leadership is an Art" - Chapter 1, page 11.

This is difficult.  I think a lot of us in church leadership today are struggling to define reality. The shifting of our culture and a changing world makes it hard to define reality, but I also believe God is on the move and is allowing us to struggle while he continues to work.  I want to be this kind of leader, as God gives me vision - and it's only clear through His lens!

Two years ago when our senior pastor returned from his summer leave he gave me the book by John Maxwell called 360 Degree Leadership.  He told me that in some ways my job was more difficult (at least in this area) than his.  He leads down.  That is the only way he leads.  He said, "You have to lead up, lead sideways and lead down.  You lead in all directions."  I read most of the book, but it was his admission that 360 degree leadership is a challenge that had the most profound impact on me. Today we talked about how, while this kind of leadership perhaps comes a bit more naturally to a woman, (see "The Female Advantage" a book on women in the Workplace and female CEO's by Sally  Helegson) - it is still extremely difficult.  As the discussion continued one of the women asked me, "How do you keep going?  What keeps you from giving up?"  I thought for a long moment before I replied...I also looked around the room at the women, each unique in where God has placed her, who sit in that room and have been on this journey with me.  I also thought of women at Sunset and beyond - Nancy Leedy, Jean Frey, Lindsey Smith and Lorna Day in women's ministries...Janet Fraser, Julie Reid, and others - even my own niece Carrie Peeples - and I said, "What keeps me going is peoples lives transformed by the grace and love of God - and then reformed and re-directed, a sure and quiet knowing that I am called by God and the chance to see that call direct other women."

Dr. Matthews said, "Everyone of us has had an encounter, an epiphany where we knew we are called..."  And I added, "I live to see that in women around me, and when I do, I know they are Gloriously ruined and they can't go back.  They are never the same again.  Sometimes they wish they could, they wish they didn't know what they know, were called like they are, but they know they can't turn around...Gloriously ruined...are you?

(Picture is of Crane Beach in Ipswich, MA just before a Thundershower)

4th Day of Residency at Gordon-Conwell

Today was our last day of this week.  Our focus today was measuring the human change process, using your wounds as a tool for helping others and ethics in people helping.  Every one of these topics was as rich and deep as they sound!

But the greatest impact of the day came in a more devotional moment when we were talking about being people of redemption - people who's lives offer redemption to those we are helping.  Dr. Grace Hubbard, our primary professor for this week , and a woman with a rich history of effective professional counseling, shared from the lives of the Israelites as they left Egypt. 

We are slow to see the song of redemption because most of the time we have to look backwards to sing it.  But looking forward to an uncertain future - to sing the song of redemption looking forward is difficult when it looks dark and dry.  Once the Israelites had crossed the Red Sea, they sang the song of redemption...but then came the desert.  The desert was so different from anything they had known.  They had grown in the rich fertile valley of the Nile River - there was no mud here to squish between their toes.  They had leeks, onions and garlic to cook with in Egypt - So tasty!  Now all they had was manna - a rather pleasant but bland food.  They longed for what they knew.  They were tired of bland manna, there was sand in there hair and eyes and clothes.  It's very hard to sing a song of redemption when you are on your way to a new place AND YOU DON'T HAVE ANY KNOWLEGE OF WHAT THAT PLACE WILL BE LIKE!  

You may have been told that you are going to a place of milk and honey, but today there is sand in your shoes and dirt in your hair.  When they finally arrived at the Promised land, it is no mistake that the spies brought back reports of the food they saw, and there were no onions, or garlic or leeks.  Nothing familiar - now there was new food.  That was the point to the tasteless manna - it had cleansed the palate of the past.  There was redemption in the past and now there was redemption in front of them...but they got to it through the desert. 

I have known Egypt. I have known the passing through the Red Sea.  And I have known the desert.  And I sang the song of redemption after the crossing of the Red Sea.  And I struggled to sing the song of Redemption as I trudged through the desert and ate tasteless but nourishing manna.  And now God has cleansed my palate and I am believing His promise of redemption ahead and when someone brings back a report of what is ahead in the Promise land I try to believe and the tune to a new Redemption song is beginning to form...and I can't wait till I've learned it by heart and can sing it at the top of my lungs. 

Day Residency at Gordon-Conwell - Memories...

Today was another amazing day! I would tell you about the work we did on what wholeness means and how do you measure health in women who are in crisis but it  would take way too long to explain (but is fascinating and endlessly helpful) and I want to tell you how the day started.

Dr. Alice Matthews is our professor and mentor for our thesis projects and while being a "Distinguished Chair" in the Doctor of Ministry program is also currently serving as the Academic Dean of Gordon Conwell (the first and only female academic dean, I believe, in an Evangelical Seminary).  I first met Alice at a conference at least 10 years ago. I was the keynote speaker the first day of the conference and she was the keynote speaker the last day of the conference.  I had heard about her, and though I felt I needed to get home, I stayed the 3 days to hear her speak.  (By the way - as a result I of hearing her at that Women of Influence Conference, I asked her to come and keynote the Women in Ministry conference I co-ordinated for Multnomah Bible College and Seminary.)  So, at the Women of Influence conference in Colorado Springs (10 years ago) I am sitting there waiting to hear Alice speak and I'm a little agitated because I have a plane to catch and they are starting a little late and then Alice stands up to speak and she speaks on the same thing that she opened our class with this morning. 

She was speaking on the Proverbs 31 woman and what the passage really says and how it is the culmination of the picture of wisdom painted through the whole book of Proverbs and King Lemuel chooses the figure of a woman to express this picture of wisdom!!  It is not at all in line with a patriarchal culture, so obviously it's God who has inspired him to end the book with this description of wisdom.  We too often reduce this to a list of things a guy should look for in a wife but it is so much more.

So the passage begins in Proverbs 31:10 - A wife of noble character who can find?   Dr. Matthews explain this morning, as she did 10 years ago that the word translated as "noble character" is the Hebrew Word "Chayil". The word is used 246 times in the New Testament.  Three of those times it is used of women, in Ruth 3:11; Proverbs 12:4 and 31:10.  Most of the rest of the time it is a "warrior word" - used of men who go into battle and it's basic meaning is STRENGTH, POWER, VALIANT.  David's mighty men were chayil men, strong men.  So when the translators of most of our current versions of the Bible are trying to sort out what English word to use when they see  chayil, they translate it strong almost all the time, but here they choose "noble" or "virtuous" - not wrong words but words that fall just a little short of the strength expressed in chayil! 

So, go back 10 years.  I am 44, and I have been through a lot in ministry and one of my greatest struggles is figuring out what to do with my STRENGTH.  Can I be a strong woman and be in Christian ministry leadership?  To walk into a room full of male pastors do I need to "check my strength at the door" and be the stereotypical quiet woman to be accepted?  How do I balance my strength with I Peter 3:4 and the gentle and quiet spirit?  Can I have a gentle and quiet spirit and be strong?  And now, Dr. Alice Matthews, this woman, this intelligent, articulate, Biblically knowledgeable (right down to the languages), wise, gracious woman was saying that I could be!  God had called me to be a STRONG woman - and a strong woman who was a "catch" - a good thing for a man!!  As I listened to Alice speak on Proverbs 31 I felt tears beginning to stream down my cheeks.  She was validating the work of God - the creation design of God in me. 

So this morning, I had the same feelings as she started.  How appropriate at this juncture of my life where I have no idea what God has in store except that I love what He has called me to do in the family of Sunset Presbyterian and I want to live out the incredible journey he has me on in my marriage and with my family!  What a wonderful reminder of God's plan - God's good plan.  Ironically I also remembered telling Pamela Reeve (and when I was in my early 40's) that I thought my best and most fruitful years of ministry would be post 50!!  I have no idea why I said that at that moment and 50 seemed old!!  It doesn't anymore...and God is not finished with me yet!!  I'm glad.  If you are a woman and you're STRONG,  be encouraged!  It's by God's design!!

Day Two of Residency at Gordon-Conwell Seminary

Our topic today was resiliency.  How does God use our pain to develop IN US what could not be developed without the struggle?  How do you help someone else see their own resilience?  And so much more...

This is our classroom.  We get comfy chairs and we all have our lap tops.  Vaun seems to be excited about something - not sure what!  Dawn and I took a walk at lunch.  The grounds are incredible!  The pond I am standing in front of is along the road on the way onto the campus.  We drive through the most amazing neighborhood with Colonial homes and rolling lawns and rock walls (like the one Dawn is standing next to that look like the Redcoats are about to come over the wall!).

 

 We've had okay weather - with thunderstorms both afternoons.  Tomorrow we continue with God's wisdom for living wisely, living with the imperfect self, the Golden rule of "good enough" and healing - the crisis of wholeness. 

A Prayer for Guidance...     My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.  I do not see the road ahead of me.  I cannot know for certain where it will end, nor do I really know myself and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe the desire to please you does in fact please you.  And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.  I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it.  Therefore will I trust you always, though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death, I will not fear, you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.    - Thomas Merton

First Day of School...

First day of class at Gordon-Conwell.  Topic: Pain - The nature of pain - and the problem of theodicy: our disappointment with God. 

Dr. Alice Matthews in reflecting on the death of her only son, when he was hit by a car when a young missionary in France - and the grief she and her husband then experienced as they struggled to understand how a loving God could allow this -

Love permits pain.  We don't want it that way.  We want to believe that if God truly loves us, he will not allow painful things to invade our lives.  But this is not so.  God's love does not guarantee us a shelter from difficult experiences that are necessary for our spiritual and personal growth.  LOVE AND DELAY ARE COMPATIBLE. 

In John 11, (when Jesus chose to delay his arrival in Bethany and Lazarus dies) Jesus knows that the disciples and Mary and Martha could only grow in this context.  Their growth was dependent on this particular time line.  When Jesus finally goes, he tells his disciples "Lazarus is dead, and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe."

If Jesus had rushed to their side, they would have known his great healing power but he wanted them to know him as more than just a healer, but as the Resurrection Lord.  Their growth was dependent upon this time line (that seemed "too late" to them!)  It is about DIVINE TIMING.  The sisters has to be disappointed by Jesus before they could encounter Jesus in a new and wider way. 

Donald Barnhouse says, "If God wants you to trust him, he puts you in a place of difficulty.  If he wants you to trust him greatly, he puts you in a place of impossibility.  For when a thing is impossible, then we who are so prone to move things by the force of our being can say, 'Lord, it has to be you.  I am utterly nothing.'"

Okay...in light of all I have been through the past 6-7 years and all the questions I have asked this was worth the price of admission...I can go home now. 

PS This after I got a little over half way through "The Shack" on the plane coming out...more tomorrow. 

First Night in Boston

I traveled from Portland to Boston (via Minneapolis) today.  It was a wonderfully uneventful trip.  I didn't get charged for my second bag (yea!).  I listened to Rob Bell at Mars Hill for my "church" - that was inspiring and nourishing.  I worshiped - thanks to my IPOD and a great view and I arrived in Boston to meet my friends Martha and Sonja by 7:30 pm (Boston time).  I am settled in my "home" away from home - a Residence Inn in Danvers and am trying to get tired enough to go to bed.  I am looking forward to these two weeks of class.  The women I am with have all grown close and we are excited about catch up on each other's lives.  Oh, I forgot hairspray and had to find a mini-mart and get some (found Suave...I don't want to say that I am a hairspray snob, but given the fact that I hold my hair together with it, I am!!)  We'll see how it works.  How on earth could I have forgotten my hairspray?  That's almost like forgetting my Bible...well not quite but almost!!  More tomorrow.  I'll try for some pictures. 

A follow-up to "I Don't Get It!"

I wanted to follow up with some further thoughts on the national news reports on Michelle Obama's need to "soften" her image by not saying anything that would put her on the front page (though having her on the "style page" would be okay) and her need not to have any opinions stronger than her husbands or people would wonder who was running the country.  Honestly, I had a visceral reaction to it. My response is partly about my own wound.  There have been a number of times in my life when I felt the pressure, intentional or unintentional, to not bring who I am into a situation.  I felt that who I was somehow threatening.  I hope I am self aware enough at this season of my life to know that I CAN be threatening.  When I am acting out of my "flesh" or out of fear, I can use my strength in ways that are threatening.  What has been hurtful though are the times when I was operating out of God given gifts and God designed strengths and that was threatening! 

Sarah Sumner, in her book entitled "Men and Women in the Church" tells of when she was a student at Trinity Seminary and one of her professors called her into his office and in a very warm, fatherly tone, "Sarah, do not show the full color of your plume; it will intimidate the men."  Sarah says that she walked out of his office, knowing he intended to be helpful, but wondering, "Do I have the courage to exercise integrity and be who I am in Christ?" 

I think that is what I wonder.  Not whether I have the right to BE ME, and I don't care how that impacts those around me - but whether I have the courage to exercise integrity and be who I am in Christ?  I know this means as a servant, because Jesus was a servant.  I know this means as with Christ-like love and humility. 

One young woman I was talking to about the Michelle Obama report said, "You would expect in a conservative religious setting that there would be that kind of sentiment, but it's a little surprising in the secular world where you would think that women have come farther than that!"  Another said, "If a man is strong, bold and has definite opinions he is respected, if a woman demonstrates that same kind of demeanor she is 'too much'".  I wish the church was the place where men and women partnered together and did so with all the strength God created them with - where each did all they could to draw that strength out of one another and honor it!  When God created man and woman he did so as a strength equal and corresponding to each other.  The fall damaged that beautiful partnership, can't our unity in Christ restore it?  Could the redeemed community of Christ be a place where a woman could bring her "full plume" and not intimidate anyone - but use it for God's glory? 

I Don't Get It!!

So, I'm home and finished some work on my thesis proposal and I decide to watch some news.  I like that CNN has a high definition station now and so I turn to Anderson Cooper.  I was hoping to see a little of the Tim Russert Memorial Service.  But they led with a big story on Michelle Obama and her visit to "The View" and how she impacts her husbands campaign.  And the message is this:  She needs to "soften her image, have no strong opinions, don't make the news, or if she does be seen in the style pages or in her role of mother or wife." 

So, I'm listening and I can't believe what I am hearing!!  I'm no feminist!!  I love being a wife, I prayed and hoped I would become a mom, but that wasn't in God's plan for me.  I invest much in family and friends and nieces and nephews and I love home decorating and fashion and beauty.  But I also believe God made women to be strong.  The word used in Proverbs 31 - (A wife of NOBLE character...) for noble, or strong is a Hebrew warrior word.  God is not afraid of the strength of women.  He created us to live out that strength in our roles as working women, wives, mothers, aunts, grandmothers, sisters, friends, and in ministry.  A noble (a better translation might be strong) wife who can find?  Apparently, our culture today is not ready for a President with a strong wife.  Don't get me wrong, I'm making no stand on who I'm voting for!  I was just quietly appalled that they were actually saying on TV (not religious TV) that if a presidential candidates wife appeared fashionable, quiet, non-opinionated, soft, and behind the scenes she serves her husbands purposes best...hmmmmmmm.  What do you think?