I had a very strange experience today. Granted, it was the last full day of class in this Residency and we are all tired, brains full and overwhelmed and want to head home. But what I experienced today was more than that...it was a "yesterday" moment.
We were talking in depth about our Thesis/Projects - and I mean in-depth - grammar, punctuation, format etc., as well as the content of each chapter and appendices. It becomes a little much... I am not a detail person. I am not "my mother's daughter" when it comes to grammar (my mom always corrected our English). I have spent 15 years learning to write like I talk...conversational. What the (insert your word here) am I doing trying to write an ACADEMIC Thesis and design a research project?
Suddenly I was in third grade and Mrs. Klein was walking over to my desk and opening it to try to find the paper that was due and seeing the disorganization she was dumping all of it - paper, books, pencils, ruler, my lunch - on the floor and telling me to stay in at lunch and recess - STAY IN HERE TILL YOU CLEAN THIS MESS UP!!
I didn't realize it at first but after a sideline conversation about my wondering if I had picked the right topic, was on the best time-line, could really do this, with my professor (who was kind and encouraging far beyond the project) I returned to my chair and wanted to cry...cry like I might have during that lunch and recess when I cleaned up my desk in the third grade. Why? I'm not in third grade, I'm in the third year of a Doctor in Ministry program? So where did all that come from?
It left me quiet and pensive. I do feel overwhelmed and inadequate. Do I fear someone will find out that my desk is really messy? Do I fear I will be called out, singled out and shamed? (Funny, as an adult I look back and wonder how a teacher could display so much anger over something as innocuous as the messy inside of a child's desk...would a teacher get away with that today? Was she having problems at home? A bad day?)
I got out my IPOD a few minutes ago and just played what came up - Matt Redman - "God of Our Yesterday" -
We will fix our eyes on you and know there is enough grace - to see us through...The God who is here today - as tomorrow comes...We (I) will trust in you God...Closer than we know, more involved and in control...
I will go to bed, my last night in Boston, still with questions but with these words as my prayer...
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