Barbara Feil's Blog

February 14, 2009 – Valentine’s Day with Jesus – And Reflections on God’s faithfulness throughout my Ministry Years from Psalm 105

I was reading Psalm 105 during our prayer time at Session.  Given where we are as a church and my own reflections the last few days I am amazed at what I a read.  It is all about how the God who has led me all my life led the Israelites…God orchestrated both the good and the bad, both the pleasant and the unpleasant, both the struggle and the victories. 

Here are some excerpts:

4 – Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.  Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced…7 – He is the LORD our God; his judgments are in all the earth.

8 – He remembers his covenant forever, the word he commanded, for a thousand generations, the covenant he made with Abraham (and me)…10 – He confirmed it to Jacob as a decree, to Israel as an everlasting covenant:  “To you I will give the land of Canaan as the portion you will inherit.”

Father, what portion is mine to inherit?  What do you have for me?  You have given me so much – even when I have been unfaithful…what do you have now? 

These next verses reinforce God’s deep involvement in every affair of our life:

12 – When they were few in number, few indeed, and strangers in it, they wandered from nation to nation, from one kingdom to another.  He allowed no one to oppress them; for their sake he rebuked kings; “Do not touch my anointed ones; do my prophets no harm.” 

Father, you have taken care of me as a woman in ministry.  As a woman I am often the minority, often overlooked or undervalued (unintentionally most of the time!)  Yet you have been my protector.  You did not allow me to be oppressed and You rebuked those with power around me who could have done me harm.

16 – He called down famine on the land and destroyed all their supplies of food and he sent a man before them – Joseph, sold as a slave.  They bruised his feet with shackles, his neck was put in irons, till what he foretold came to pass, till the word of the LORD proved him true. 

The king sent and releases him, the ruler of peoples set him free.  He made him master of his household, ruler over all he possessed, to instruct his princes as he pleased and teach his elders wisdom. 

Father, I know I have suffered at times and didn’t understand or see your bigger plan.  I have sat in places of confinement like Joseph and wondered what would become of my future and had you intervene and had YOUR WORD prove me true…truly that is the story of South Hills and my leaving there and YOU giving me the opportunity to live out your love for YOUR church in another place.  Have YOUR way again LORD.

23 – Then Israel entered Egypt; Jacob lived as an alien in the land of Ham.  The LORD made his people very fruitful; HE made them too numerous for their foes, whose hearts HE turned to hate his people.  HE sent Moses, his servant, and Aaron, whom he had chosen.  They performed his miraculous signs among them, his wonders in the land of Ham.  He sent darkness…HE turned their waters into blood…He spoke, and there came swarms of flies…HE turned their rain into hail…HE stuck down their vines and fig trees…HE spoke and the locusts came…Then HE struck down all the firstborn in their land, the firstfruits of all their manhood. 

37 – HE brought out Israel laden with silver and gold, and from among the tribes no one faltered…HE spread out a cloud as a covering, and a fire to give light at night…They asked and HE brought them quail and satisfied them with the bread of heaven…HE opened the rock, and water gushed out; like a river it flowed in the desert. 

42 – For HE remembered his holy promise given to his servant Abraham.  HE brought out his people with rejoicing, his chosen ones with shouts of joy; he gave them the lands of the nations, and they fell heir to what others had toiled for – that they might keep his precepts and observe his laws. 

Father, it is evident in how the Psalmist recounts what you did for your people, when they were the nation of Israel, that YOU are “Large Marge In Charge”, YOU are sovereign and in charge and have purpose and plan for all you do!!  Sometimes I cannot see this or I cannot imagine that YOUR purpose and plan could include little me – little female me – who loves YOUR church and the body and loves to see people come to know you and grow in their love and intimate knowledge of you.

Yesterday I almost grudgingly met with a woman– a 60’s something woman who has connected with our 50-60’s singles ministry.  From all outward indications this woman is a mess…three failed marriages, poor financial decisions, and a spiritual history from the Episcopal church to many years as Mormom…yet as she shared her story it is ABUNDANTLY EVIDENT that you have been there all those years and even used her significantly and spoken to her and she has come to know your love for her.  What a reminder of who you are and how you work, in every person's life...mine included.

And now, whatever comes…I know YOU are with me and YOU are in charge and I submit to YOU!!

 

January 23, 2009 – An early morning with God and the Mountain

It is 6:57 am.  Not that early…but I’m home, don’t have to go anywhere and it’s You, God and me and the mountain.  I love this time.  Speak to me, as I enjoy the red sky and dark silhouette and the sunrise against the clouds.  Speak to me…

Psalm 71

In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge;

let me never be put to shame.

Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness;

Turn your ear to me and save me,

Be my rock of refuge, to which I can always go;

Give the command to save me, for you are my rock and my fortress.

Deliver me, O my God, from the hand of the wicked, from the grasp of evil and cruel men.

For you have been my hope, O Sovereign LORD, my confidence since my youth.

From birth I have relied on you; you brought me forth from my mother’s womb.

I will ever praise you. 

I have become a portent (sign, wonder, on display) to many, but you are my strong refuge.

My mouth is filled with your praise, declaring your splendor all day long. 

Do not cast me away when I am old; do not forsake me when my strength is gone. 

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For my enemies speak against me; those who wait to kill me conspire together. 

They say, “God has forsaken (her); pursue (her) and seize her, for no one will rescue (her).

Be not far from me, O God; come quickly, O my God, to help me. 

May my accusers perish in shame; may those who want to harm me be covered with scorn and disgrace.

But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more.

My mouth will tell of your righteousness, of your salvation all day long, though I know not its measure.

I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, O Sovereign LORD; I will proclaim your righteousness, yours alone.

Since my youth, O God, you have taught me, and to THIS DAY (January 23, 2009) I declare your marvelous deeds.

     Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, O God, till I declare your power to the NEXT GENERATION, your might to all who are come.

Your righteousness reaches to the skies, O God, you who have done great things.

Who, O God, is like you?

Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.

You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.

How incredible to read these words this morning.  Six years ago I was waiting for Bruce to come down from Seattle and talk to me – knowing something big was about to happen.  Knowing something was going on – but having no real sense of just how much my life was about to change!  As I move toward the anniversary of that Sunday I am in awe of how faithful you have been Father.  Not always as I might have designed – certainly you have used these years to change me – to deepen me – to refine me – to teach me of your love and truth – to use me as a “portent”, while you remained my refuge.  You carried me when I couldn’t walk, opened new avenues to allow me to run, held me in your arms when I cried out to you, and sustained me when I had no light and nothing pouring into me.  You put me in a community where I could both serve, grow and in a smaller community where I could be loved and supported. 

And now I begin another season…one in which there is the potential for my life to be re-entwined with the man who seemed to be the enemy I needed protection from in the beginning of this journey and now is changed – different and new.  It is still scary to re-engage – without promises, or guarantees or firmer commitments.  Something in me says that this way is the way it should have been from the beginning because relationships built on promises and guarantees don’t allow for humanity and brokenness and forgiveness and risk all things that are part of human relationships.  We tend to think that “Christian Marriage”, a sacred marriage does not include such things as deep hurt, betrayal, great risk, and acceptance of the brokenness that is in all of us. We don’t allow for “pentimento” or when the painter repents and paints over what he began.  I wonder though if that is part of the human condition and the truest master pieces have underneath a different picture…and both are works of art – each in different ways. 

What I want for today and this week and month – when I remember the path you have brought me on – is to do as David says and always have hope and praise you more and more – to tell of your righteousness, of your salvation, all day long, though I know not its measure.  I love those words!!  I do not know the measure of Your salvation but I know as each day passes, I will.