Yesterday afternoon I was having coffee with a woman who has become a dear friend. She is an amazing person who's life has been transformed by God and secondarily by cancer. She wanted me to meet a long time friend from out of town, here to support her through some procedures. We spent over an hour sharing about our "God-stories" - how and when God has intersected with and what place he has had in our lives. We talked about how in mid-life your priorities change and the things you thought would satisfy you don't have the same impact. At one point, her friend asked me, "Do you think you will end your life here on earth satisfied?"
What she didn't know was that she had hit a nerve. I have thought about that a lot!! Not only have I thought about whether I would, but if so what would make me "satisfied"? When I was younger I thought about all the "normal" things that satisfy, particularly a woman. Marriage, having children, a nice home, doing something meaningful with your life. After you deal with the realities of whether your life is going to include any (or all) of those things and you adjust to how they didn't satisfy like you thought they would and you still want more - most of us turn to friendships, recreation, another career milestone or accomplishment. Eventually you either wake up to the hard cold reality that nothing quite satisfies completely and you settle, or you keep trying to find that "one" thing.
I came to that reality (about nothing here on earth, including people) satisfying and thought that God was the only thing that satisfied. That said, I constantly asked God to fill me. Then I had the experience that changed all that.
It was a year after "the event" that changed my life six and a half years ago. I was standing in the balcony of the unfinished cement black hole that would become our 2500 seat sanctuary at Sunset Presbyterian. I looked into the immense, cavernous, empty black hole and thought, "this is my SOUL. It is as empty as this and I want something to fill it. And when people try it feels like someone is standing in this balcony and trying to fill it with water using an eye-dropper and I want to say 'GET A FIRE HOSE!!'"
That realization changed me. First, I stopped trying to get people to fill the empty space and bring satisfaction. I already knew I shouldn't rely on that, but since God created us for community, it was always pretty hard not to. (And, not asking people to meet the cavernous, black hole of need in my life doesn't mean I don't ask for legitimate needs to be met, the biggest difference is how I respond when they aren't met...I'm no longer completely decimated!) Second, I began to ask God to fill the need...okay, I begged God to fill the need. If he did, then I would be satisfied, fulfilled, complete.
That was when I had the encounter that really changed my perspective on being fulfilled in this lifetime. One day I was praying my "please fill me Jesus, fill this black hole of need in me" prayer - and I heard God say to me, "NO, I won't fill it - BUT I WILL COME LIVE WITH YOU, DWELL WITH YOU in the emptiness."
When you hear something that you know you couldn't conjure up and isn't exactly what you wanted to hear and it resonates with all the mysterious parts of Scripture - it's usually the voice of God - and this was!!
So, will I end my life fulfilled? Yes, but not because I am satiated. I will be fulfilled because God is living with me in this howling wasteland called earth and I will still want more - but not here. As my friend Muriel Cook used to say, "This is just the race, the LIFE comes later." I will wait for true life...true community...true intimacy...while living out my time here on earth for HIS purposes.
Terri, I guess the answer is "yes and no". No, I will never be completely satisfied until I see Jesus face to face. Yes, because he does satisfy me daily with as he dwells with me.
"Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love..." Psalm 90:14
Oh ... so beautiful ... dear friend. Thanks so much for sharing and challenging so powerfully.
Posted by: AmyE | March 30, 2009 at 08:39 AM
Barb, that is deeply profound. You touched my black hole of need with hope and clarity. Thanks for being YOU and being vulnerable...real.
Linda P
Posted by: Linda P | April 01, 2009 at 07:50 AM